On Narcissism

Narcissism is a real b*tch, there's no way around it.

The original myth tells of Narcissus, a young man who passed a pool of water in the forest one afternoon and caught a glimpse of his reflection in the depths. He fell in love with his reflection and ended up either starving to death or drowning, I can't remember.

The point it, he fell in love with his reflection, not himself, this distinction is important, and suffered the loss of his life for it. As far as I know he didn't even realize he was killing himself.

The modern Narcissist has been defined by medical authorities looking to describe a personality disorder which harms its owner in the same way our friend Narcissus harmed himself. The obsession with one's image, with what one seems to be, with appearances with recognition of one's self, towards one's self is truly disorderly because it causes all kinds of mental and spiritual chaos despite its superficial rigidity.

Narcissist personalities are demanding to the extreme. Of everyone, most of all themselves. No one can live up to their expectations, they merely tolerate themselves and others. At the same time, Narcissist often live through others, find a purpose in helping and supporting another life they deem worthwhile. The latter tends not to be their own, due to aforementioned impossibly high standards.

What do I mean? Well let me give you an example: a Narcissist will kill herself simply to prove to herself that she is not a coward. Simply to measure up to her own standards and expectations. I know this because I have done it. Premeditated cutting myself for reasons I shall explain elsewhere and then when it came time to follow through, and I realized it hurt and that I didn't truly wish to die or suffer but rather only to be rescued, I couldn't stop. It was a matter of personal pride. Even though no one else was there, even though I could have stopped the bleeding and nursed the cuts and hidden what I had done, the thought never even crossed my mind. Instead I only felt an entire gulf of disappointment with myself, my cowardice, my susceptibily to biting off more than I can chew, my humanity. And so I lectured myself inwardly, clenched my jaw, grabbed the blade firmly and made a large long fast gashing motion across my wrist to avoid pain and finally hit that vein and get it over with already. It worked and I lost enough blood to fall unconscious. I risked dying just to prove to myself that I was willing and able, to not be a coward in my own eyes.

This wasn't every time I've hurt myself, but I remember being amazed at myself that particular time. There was satisfaction in it, but also the rude intrusion of reality, my reality, the extent of my obsession with my own character flaws, how strongly I want to almost physically excise them out of myself, nearly killing myself in the process without even realizing it because I'm so busy staring at the details of my reflection.

I wish understanding this would bring about a change in my situation or behavior. However it is simply another observation of myself to add to the image, another reason to despise my weaknesses, thus revolving around myself once again, in every tighter circles, until I spin myself nauseous and suffer from it by my own hand once again.

But then that is the nature of a circle, and that is the nature of life. There is nothing truly new is there? It has all been done before and will be done again, the basic ingredients to what constitutes life can and will never change, otherwise, it would no longer be "life" as we know it, but a different creature entirely.

I do love words and language, there is a sense in them. The definition of life by our language is rational, gives me a reason for the circle. It is such because we have defined it as such and we have defined it as such because it is so. Nice and neat, just the way I like it. Distracts me from the thunderstorm of chaos that rages in my mind. For a while at least, until I stop concentrating, stop controlling, stop focusing on my reflection, and once I stop looking I lose all hold on life and spin out of control, and not in a good way either.

So you see, there is a purpose to the narcissist personality. It keeps us from going crazy ;P

It's going to be another long night chasing ghosts isn't it? God I hope some of them are friendly tonight.....

Katie