October 2005
WHAT IF your mom was in her 60s and recently got her boobs done (despite being an avid feminist, hugely successful academic, and a jogger who still runs races) without telling anyone and it turns out she's offended because no one asked her about it and the only reason you know this is because your sisters found out by accident due to a swimsuit + sports bra situation?
I was thinking about this question the other night and I realized the whole thing has nothing to do with beauty, but only with fear of death and control.
I remember the day I realized I need glasses. Haven't been so depressed since my 20th birthday. Why? Because it was the first time I was faced with my body degrading before my very own out-of-focus eyes and there was not a damned thing I could do about it. I despise that feeling. Helpless and afraid of being physically useless one day while remaining mentally awake. Trapped. Aware of death and it's inevitability.
Anyway, believe it or not my mother's choice is about the same thing. She is no extrovert and her field of expertise is anthropological. She made an emotional choice, yes, but that choice was not fueled by rebellion ("I never got a tattoo when I was a teenager, so now I'm going to do something wild to make up for it") or peer pressure (from the Pussycat Dolls). If the latter were the case, she would have said so from the start. We jokingly criticize ourselves in our family all the time - it comes with the Narcissist personalities inherited from mother to daughters in our particular gene pool. If one of us were to lead the pack into cosmetic surgery territory, the others would follow, nervous but excited, holding hands and laughing all the way.
What was it Winston Churchill said about not having a heart if you aren't liberal by the time you're 20 and not having a head if you aren't conservative by the time you're 40? My mother has a good head on those conservative shoulders, she proves that all day, every day. HOWEVER, 12 years of divorce battles, impending retirement, and refusal of all help with her own family issues will wear anybody down. She has no more control over her children - the last one just moved out, none over her career since her successes will be replaced by younger models, and is losing control over her body. Her best friend, a former lover died recently and I remember having a strange conversation about death with her at that time. She commented on the suddenness of it and how unprepared to deal with it she felt.
In my own personal view, much of what we do and how we do it is driven by an incessant fear of our own demise. Careers, fortune, fame, pride - all useless ways to make yourself believe your life makes sense. If you have a presence amongst your peers while you are alive, if you are "important" to something, no matter how banal, then maybe, just maybe, you can convince yourself that your particular life actually has a meaning and that death is not the final curtain on your pitiful existence.
Control makes us feel strong, does it not? And the strong survive, or so we tell ourselves and are told. We turn to religion or spirituality for hope on those days when we feel weak, anything to explain the nothingness, and make the questions and fear go away. But they don't go away. The only real driving force behind any living creature is staying alive and avoiding death. Of course, there are exceptions - a mother protecting a child, a leader protecting a group. But when does that kind of situation apply anymore? How many of us really sacrifice something valuable for someone else? There is no need and there is no will to do so. And yet, that is the only proof of love that appears convincing. Funnily enough, convictions are what we use to deny our fears, even to ourselves. We are prepared to die for a "cause"...I don't believe that. Dying for a cause merely gives us some form of control over our deaths, and for many, that is easier that facing it unaware.
How many of you have felt alone in a group of friends? Have felt alone even when surrounded by loving family? I know I have. I know that when the sh** hits the fan, you are on your own, my friend. Every one of us has a limit, and love, too, falls within those limits. Push someone hard enough and they will stop giving. Love is not always endless or unconditional. What is my point? Well, I believe that my mother feels afraid, maybe even alone, possibly angry and certainly out of control of her life. Hence the boob job. (Hey, stop laughing!) She told no one of her plans and yet probably felt like a little girl going to get her ears pierced, proud of herself and excited to have such a wonderful selfish cool secret.
What a convenient lie, to tell oneself that "I am doing this as a treat for ME". She was embarrassed to share the secret. Not protective of it, just embarrassed. She understands the hypocrisy and she better the hell know that it is wrong to put yourself at risk without telling those people you claim to love. She will say that I wouldn't understand. I'm a woman and a human being. How could I not understand? But of course, I don't understand, because what she is living, only she can know and feel. Even so, I am sure that this was not about the visual aspects of superficial beauty. She had her last child 20 years ago, has been through the midlife crisis and menopause. Why now, if not out of fear of ageing in general, not just annoyance with her looks. Her looks are fine.
Where is the wisdom that comes with age? Shouldn't things be more clear to her now? Shouldn't she be more rational in accepting her emotionality and hence be more willing to admit "I want to change the way I look to appear more attractive to myself and others". Why is she embarrassed? FEAR. (Yes, I have issues with this subject)
| Tas wrote: |
| What we call death is but the shedding of a body that returns to the Earth from whence it came. What we call spirit is eternal and it too must return to whence it came. All life returns to the source of life All life goes back to Home Once more we are reunited and whole Embraced by and a portion of the Creator. |
Also last night, in the dark, thinking about all this, I remembered Tas speaking of eternal spirit and life. I also saw an episode of Stargate SG-1 in which Daniel had ascended. And again, I was afraid. I do not wish to meet my Maker (and neither does my mother, I assure you - too much guilt by far) and I do not wish to ascend to any form of higher being. Don't get me wrong, I love Jonathan Livingston Seagull and the concept of flying highest to see farthest. Wonderful. But more than anything I wish for peace. Joining the ones you love spiritually implies a common ground. A common ground means a basis for interaction. A common ground must in itself have limits, as it is a common ground. I do not wish to be limited.
There seem to be rules that apply to souls and love. True peace for me is true freedom. I find that exact moment of true peace every time I wake up from a dreamless sleep and am not truly awake - the moment Peter Pan describes as opening the path to Neverland. Well, I do not want to go to Neverland, except to visit perhaps. Too much noise...I adore that state of conscious unconsciousness, where nothing matters and you aren't even aware of your body and there are no thoughts at all - just peace and quiet. That is when I feel happy and free. Of course, 4 seconds later thought seeps in and all is lost.
Ah well, such is life. We will see where it ends and how it ends. Since there is no such thing as a peaceful death (because of our old friend fear) it will not end well. But perhaps, if I am lucky, it will in fact, simply end in a dreamless slumber and quiet will reign and all will be good.
My mother wishes to return to love somehow in death - to be reunited with family and to live forever in some way. For her sake, I hope Tas' truths come true for her. But only for her and those whose heaven lies in that circle of life involving soul and spirit and eternity. My personal heaven is a finite universe, a finite life, and an infinite state of finity in which there is no need to understand.
What hurts the most is the thought that something could have gone wrong and my mother didn't care enough to inform us. In my (immature) eyes, that is a betrayal - she chose vanity and pride over love and responsibility. It just kills me that after over 30 years of being her kid, she thinks I wouldn't be concerned for her health. I don't care what she looks like, really, I want her to be happy, after all she's my mom. Anyway, I think you're right about discussing that issue with her. We need to make sure she understands that we were worried more than anything else. We'll see if I manage to bring it up next time my sisters and I are all together with her. When I'm on my own, my mother and I just end up arguing...but with my sister's help it should be doable.
I spent my childhood wither with my head stuck in a book or climbing trees and wading through a creek. I enjoyed having my head up in the clouds (still do) and would have been perfectly happy to remain that way. But you grow up learn things you were better off not knowing and for 152 different reasons you cannot, unfortunately, spend your life with your head buried in a book and your feet dangling in the water. Sigh. Yes, I over think things, but that is because I wish more people would think a little more about what they do. I don't mean to say that I am right in what I say and do, just that a greater sense of responsibility and compassion would do the world some good. Also, I screw up a lot because I always speak before I think, which gets me into a lot of trouble and often hurts people, too. So I have to spend a lot of time making up for it in my head, trying to learn from my mistakes. Since that has been pretty unsuccessful thus far (I still shoot first and ask questions later), I feel that I need to think some more.
I used to think that all experiences, good or bad, end up teaching you something useful. The bird that flies highest sees farthest. But really, you cannot change people and sometimes you can try your damnedest and still be unsuccessful. Not all experiences make you stronger. Of course you can choose to live your life a certain way and treat people a certain way but as long as you are interacting with others or care about other people you will be affected by them and their actions. And some experiences with people will do more damage than good, wiser is not always happier or more balanced. Peace appears to have a lot to do with acceptance, something I, for one, am not very good at.
You really do learn fear from other people, you know? I have a couple dogs and if you watch their behavior when they are afraid of something in nature (like a loud noise or another dog) it is completely different from that of a human. It's pure instinct. Then you have the fears the dogs have learned, for example a mistreated animal has learned a different kind of fear and shows it differently by cowering or growling. That is not the adrenaline-rushed fight-or-flight kind of fear that is instinctive. It's a horrible, pathetic exhibit of what a bad experience with people can do to them. And that, unfortunately, is the majority of human fear - it's intelligent fear, it has been trained and nurtured and grows. Neurotic, irrational, or instinctive fears are much easier to deal with (for me).
There are many things you can do if you set your mind to them, especially given time and reflection. But inner strength or willpower or whatever you may call it is not endless. I am not one to give up on anything, but my motivation for certain things is definitely not what it used to be. Sometimes, if you're tired enough, it really just isn't worth the effort or the pain, and it easier to think about acting than to actually act. I do some minor work in animal welfare and I will never stop doing it but my honest opinion is that it is a waste of time in the sense that things will never truly change. There will always be good and evil, you can educate all you like, you cannot change the basic nature of the thing (be it human or animal). Living conditions may be "better" than they were 100 or 1000 years ago, but they are not basically different.
Anyway, as usual I am drifting off and this has gotten much longer than planned... but I guess I am not the first to be overwhelmed by the "nothingness" of it all amidst the chaos.
