The Noodle in God's Stew

 

 

Current mood:  loved

 

I brought with me to rehab a picture of my best friend and myself in high school, having a blast at the beach on a class trip, grinning and hugging, signed by her with "Thanks for never letting us find the universal truth!"

This was because we used to interpret the symbolism in some novel no end in high school English class, and sack the best grades for it too, even though we were bullshitting out of our ears the entire time. We knew what the teacher wanted to hear, we could see God or the Devil in each paragraph, hell we could have created our own personal witch hunt between the pages of a Roald Dahl story if we had set our minds to it I'm sure :D The universal truth is supposedly contained in Conrad's Heart of Darkness, but luckily, we never bothered to discover it, we just worked our way around it and back out of the book in record time, as usual (nice work H., we sure did rule back then, I love and miss you :P)

She reminded me the other day that I once said "mankind is just a noodle in God's stew". I must have been 15 or so and was probably going through the "If a tree falls in the forest and there's no one around to hear it fall, how do we know it makes a noise?" phase. But she remembered and carried my comment around with her across oceans and valleys for over 15 more years, and I can't help but smile a child's goofy smile every time I think back on the way we were.

I was aware then, much more capable than now to laugh at myself and my insignificance. Now when I do so it is strained and sarcastic and self-important, my cynicism back then was much more light-hearted (if it's possible to use those two words together… oh wait, I believe that is a classic oxymoron, thanks Mrs. M :P)

Anyways, the only point to this story is that I miss my high school a little, I miss having a few less things to worry about, I miss the straightforward simplicity of childhood friendships, I miss leaning on D. L. M.'s shoulder and feeling like I was on top of the world because he let me slide up close to him and I didn't know lines like "he's just not that into you" or terms like "unhappy endings" existed in reality yet. I still carried the kind of idealistic teenage hope that dreams of utopia and changing the world. And of true love and Cinderella's prince and more to the point the awesome white horse he rode (actually, I was more of a Winnetou's girl, but you catch my drift). Hell, we all did, if you didn't think anything was possible as a kid you'd never make it through puberty!

It wasn't all happy or fun, I already felt like a blubbering, misunderstood volcano back then and had trouble keeping a lid on it. I am now discovering I may have had ADD since childhood, just not the hyperactive kind, more the "I follow 84 separate but parallel trains of thought in my head at all times and sometimes it's a little burdening cause I don't know where to direct them all to since they run out of room but not steam and then it hurts my tiny brain" kind. I was loud and attention-seeking around people and quietly thoughtful on my own, much as I am now, and had my head in the clouds and my nose in a book all the time because that's where the dreams were, that's where the fantasies flew and my imagination was free and uninhibited. I'd lose myself in those worlds I created with the help of fanciful fiction and live in them whenever I was alone which I suppose was often. It didn't feel that way then, but it would explain my behavior now. On the one hand I am hyper-sensitive to other people's emotions and so self-observant that I dissociate incessantly, and on the other hand my mind completely disregards my surroundings because the outside stimuli are too much for it. Something like that. Have I mentioned that my typing is dyslexic since 4 or 5 antidepressants ago? My brain skips sometimes, and I can watch and feel it skipping and I can keep up with myself, but really, no one else knows where the hell I am and what I'm doing there, it gets a little lonely, which I believe I was in school as well if I'm totally honest about the "good old days".

My fabulous friend H. now has two absolutely stunning children and a wonderful husband, she's one of the hardest working research scientists and most dedicated mothers I'll ever know and I can't think of anyone who deserves that more than she does. She survived months of regular panic attacks she felt she couldn't share with anyone back when she was 18, she's been discriminated against and rose to professor in record time despite of it, she beat the crap out of an asshole who tried to abuse her, she went through very taxing and worrying pregnancies as well as a brain tumor scare in addition to the usual deaths and illnesses in the family, and she STILL bikes to work in winter. I think she's a little nuts, but that's ok coming from me, isn't it?? :P Just so you know beautiful, I'm hoping to be just like you when I finally decide not to ever grow up!!!

And so it goes…and this is what it feels like to be a noodle :·)

Freakin' Quizzes

Current mood:  impressed

So this stupid thing has like 5 questions and is an EXACT description of me... that's just frrrreaky - these people should write horo(r)scopes for a living :·P

You Have a Choleric Temperament

You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things. Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life. You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation. You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon. Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall. You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others. At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults. Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion. A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.

What Temperament Are You?

Blogthings: Cheaper Than a Therapist

St. Nikolaus

Current mood:  blank

This is going to be a little more in the style of Jennifer's amazing blog entries... I'm just going to tell you about my day...

This morning I fell asleep around 7:30am as usual. I set the alarm for 14:00 because I was supposed to see a doctor at 15:30 and I don't always want to get out of bed. Ok, I never want to get out of bed again, but I wanted to go see the doctor and I already moved the appointment before, so today I went.

It was worth it because I got to see a charming street in town I didn't know existed. It's below the train station, I passed a little bit of red light district and thought "funny place for a psychiatrist, but then again, maybe this is the best place for business...", but then I turned a corner and there was this wonderful road with a comic books shop, my favorite international travel agency (STA Travel, for youths of ALL ages :P), a few antiques dealers, a few deco and art stores, a ski and snowboard shop, and a supermarket. A young man walked up to me and said hello and asked me my name and told me I was "tres jolie". I thanked him for being nice to me although I didn't understand why, I am pale and look hollow and my eyes don't sparkle anymore. But he was nice. A little unkempt and flaky, but I like men like that, unless it's at a formal wedding, then groomed to the nines is better. And it was nice to discover another corner of Lausanne, I love this town. It is so small and yet never boring and never bland, and the people leave you your anonymity if you wish it. And dog poop all over. You can tell you're not in the German part of the country here...o_0.

After the doctor, who didn't want to do much about my situation because I may be in the clinic come Monday, I went into one of the home deco shops with all these trinkets and lamps and toasters and teddy bears and holiday ornaments, and I saw a bistro chair and table that were adorable, and I was glad to see something I would like for my apartment, but I don't have much money right now, so I better wait.

When my ex left he took everything, even the lightbulbs. Like the Grinch, just more brown than green. So I can finally decorate the way I want, but due to an extended identity crisis I am not quite sure what that is. So I am looking at everything and trying to "feel" it in my apartment. So far I don't feel so much. And when I do it tends to be expensive. Hehe, that's me in a nutshell :D

You know his presence in this apartment still bothers me. I dislike my favorite breakfast mug now because I bought it and used it with a matching one for him here. And there are no thrift shops in this country, so I don't know where to donate it to. And I almost cannot stand IKEA (my true religion) anymore because of the hours I spent there trying to get everything just right to suit both our tastes and meet the budget, and I did, successfully, and now I want no more reminders of the time I spent here with him. I want to move forward and towards my personality, and not the average joe style of decorating we and all our friends had. I may not be the brightest crayon in the box, but I am certainly not average either. I saw a 60's style plastic diner table and chair a while ago. That would be cool. That would be more like me. I made a mistake buying a few pieces of furniture quickly so that I would have something to sit on and a shelf for my books, I bought what I was used to, and it's cute, but not what I really want long term anymore I think.

But it's ok, I didn't spend too much money because I couldn't anyways. I will take it slow. Not my style but I am supposed to change some things. Necessity is the mother of invention. We will see what I come up with. The bistro table and chair were bright pink and green by the way, there was even a matching lamp and toaster. If my kitchen weren't so huge that it requires a large table, it would be perfect. Oh... I could do something fabulous, I could get two or three different style bistro chairs and tables couldn't I?? Make a little cafe in my kitchen? It would certainly look wonderful, but it is too impractical. I need a large table for sorting mail and stacking boxes of breakfast cereal to look at.

In the deco shop I wanted to treat myself to a teddy bear, but everything in the store that wasn't furniture cost exactly 24 CHF and that creeped me out after a while, so I left because I was angry with my wish to spend money. I went to the Post Office and finally faxed my insurance policy to the clinic. I don't have a fax machine anymore even though I got one for Christmas a few years ago because the ex took it. So I paid 8 CHF to send two pages of fax. I also spent 50 CHF on a new prepaid SIM card which allows international calls to fixed and cell phones for 39 Rappen (0.39 CHF) a minute, which is cheaper than my normal provider. The SIM was 9 CHF and 50 CHF were for phone credit while I'm in the hostpital. I want to be able to call my friends in a crisis and not have to hang up after 10 minutes. I will have a phone in my room in the clinic. We each have our own rooms, the ones with private insurance have a balcony. I thought that was funny. Very Swiss :P

I remembered to ask for one of those stickers that say "No advertisements please" for my mailbox at the Post Office, but they said they don't have them, only supermarkets do. I remembered to walk the long way home and pass by the supermarket for some milk but I forgot to look for the sticker. I also went to the book store to find some more nice books to read before I fall asleep at the hospital but they were closing early for a conference. I was disappointed because I love the atmosphere in the book store, it's very soothing.

I went to Starbucks for a coffee and some cake to take home for later and a woman (I won't say lady) had her lapdog up ON a table licking crumbs off of it. I love dogs, I have two girl dogs, but I still don't want their butts and feet where I eat. I don't even want my feet and butt where I eat, and I know where mine have been o_0. But a strange dog's weiner where I place my muffin? No. (Oh my, I wasn't even trying to be crude, sorry, no pun intended) I asked the barista if it was policy to allow that, and as soon as I asked the entire line of French women started going off at how "formidable" it is to be so vulgar. "C'est pas prop!" They are so cute when they get all worked up and FRENCH, they wave their hands around and their voices go up and down like waves and dancing with words. I smiled to myself over the whole incident.

I learned some new French today from a screaming child, because he kept repeating himself so I had time to figure out what he was saying and what it meant. Apparently you can say "Gard!" instead of "Regard!" in slang, it means "Look!". I didn't know that. Kids are useful that way, they speak more clearly and simply, it's easier to copy them. So thanks!

After Starbucks I was in the market place for a bit, among all the Christmas crafts booths, and I realized it's Nikolaus today. The children and tourists were all surrounding St. Nikolaus and Ruprecht and the donkey, I took photos for a few of them and one on my cell phone for me since my digital camera broke a while ago. The married man who wanted me in the last clinic called me and asked me if I was ok. He said he had dreamt about me and also been worried and that I could call him anytime if I needed him. Well I said sure but I can't. He has a family and I don't want to pour coal on that fire. It was his choice to pursue me but I will not egg him on, and I don't think he ever really wanted me anyways, just an escape, like I do. I understand but I don't approve.

A friend called me later, she wants to see me in Zurich and then drive me to the clinic on Monday. I said I have to speak with my stupid family because they haven't told me whether they will take my dogs or not. I don't know why they cannot give straightforward answers, it makes me anxious because it's like they are always waiting for a better offer to come along. None of them will ever commit to a date or plan of action. I don't like people like that much. Say what you mean and mean what you say please, other people depend on you sometimes. And don't think I don't feel how I am second best to everyone else in your life. Melinda is bipolar, so she understands things. She's a pill like me, but she loves me and she loves to help people, so she's not that kind of a pill once you know her. But people don't take the time.

My bath tonight didn't get rid of my headache and neither did the pain killers, but that's not unusual. The desk I sit at is at the wrong height for typing because it doesn't have proper table legs yet. I have to get some but for that I have to drive to IKEA and it's far and I get discouraged when I think of how far it is. I shouldn't think so much but my head does not have an off button. Neither does my heart, only my stomache.

This is too long so I will stop now. I think Jennifer's blogs are much better to read, so I will go visit her page again now. And Karen's too, Karen is another good woman. I put her at the top of my friend's list along with the other girl-friends. Ho's before bro's.

I had olives with garlic in the middle and a beer today, so cheers to that!

I wish I were a kid again or had a nice family so that Nikolaus would visit me again and tell me if I have been good or bad. We used to put shoes out in front of the door overnight for that, but I am afraid to risk it because they might be empty in the morning and then I will be as hollow as I look inside. I wanted to touch all the pretty lights and internalize them and take them home with me but I couldn't. Maybe I will go find my christmas lights in the basement, I hid those from Ramon before he left, but they leave black soot marks on the walls and then I will feel bad. Fairy lights are so pretty though, so maybe it's worth the risk. It will have to be soon though, I don't think I will be allowed to have 20 meters of wire in the clinic. I want fairy lights around my heart please, forever, thank you.

Thank you for listening. I hope Nikolaus brought you tangerines.