Current mood: 
loved
loved I brought with me to rehab a picture of my best friend and myself in high school, having a blast at the beach on a class trip, grinning and hugging, signed by her with "Thanks for never letting us find the universal truth!"
This was because we used to interpret the symbolism in some novel no end in high school English class, and sack the best grades for it too, even though we were bullshitting out of our ears the entire time. We knew what the teacher wanted to hear, we could see God or the Devil in each paragraph, hell we could have created our own personal witch hunt between the pages of a Roald Dahl story if we had set our minds to it I'm sure :D The universal truth is supposedly contained in Conrad's Heart of Darkness, but luckily, we never bothered to discover it, we just worked our way around it and back out of the book in record time, as usual (nice work H., we sure did rule back then, I love and miss you :P)
She reminded me the other day that I once said "mankind is just a noodle in God's stew". I must have been 15 or so and was probably going through the "If a tree falls in the forest and there's no one around to hear it fall, how do we know it makes a noise?" phase. But she remembered and carried my comment around with her across oceans and valleys for over 15 more years, and I can't help but smile a child's goofy smile every time I think back on the way we were.
I was aware then, much more capable than now to laugh at myself and my insignificance. Now when I do so it is strained and sarcastic and self-important, my cynicism back then was much more light-hearted (if it's possible to use those two words together… oh wait, I believe that is a classic oxymoron, thanks Mrs. M :P)
Anyways, the only point to this story is that I miss my high school a little, I miss having a few less things to worry about, I miss the straightforward simplicity of childhood friendships, I miss leaning on D. L. M.'s shoulder and feeling like I was on top of the world because he let me slide up close to him and I didn't know lines like "he's just not that into you" or terms like "unhappy endings" existed in reality yet. I still carried the kind of idealistic teenage hope that dreams of utopia and changing the world. And of true love and Cinderella's prince and more to the point the awesome white horse he rode (actually, I was more of a Winnetou's girl, but you catch my drift). Hell, we all did, if you didn't think anything was possible as a kid you'd never make it through puberty!
It wasn't all happy or fun, I already felt like a blubbering, misunderstood volcano back then and had trouble keeping a lid on it. I am now discovering I may have had ADD since childhood, just not the hyperactive kind, more the "I follow 84 separate but parallel trains of thought in my head at all times and sometimes it's a little burdening cause I don't know where to direct them all to since they run out of room but not steam and then it hurts my tiny brain" kind. I was loud and attention-seeking around people and quietly thoughtful on my own, much as I am now, and had my head in the clouds and my nose in a book all the time because that's where the dreams were, that's where the fantasies flew and my imagination was free and uninhibited. I'd lose myself in those worlds I created with the help of fanciful fiction and live in them whenever I was alone which I suppose was often. It didn't feel that way then, but it would explain my behavior now. On the one hand I am hyper-sensitive to other people's emotions and so self-observant that I dissociate incessantly, and on the other hand my mind completely disregards my surroundings because the outside stimuli are too much for it. Something like that. Have I mentioned that my typing is dyslexic since 4 or 5 antidepressants ago? My brain skips sometimes, and I can watch and feel it skipping and I can keep up with myself, but really, no one else knows where the hell I am and what I'm doing there, it gets a little lonely, which I believe I was in school as well if I'm totally honest about the "good old days".
My fabulous friend H. now has two absolutely stunning children and a wonderful husband, she's one of the hardest working research scientists and most dedicated mothers I'll ever know and I can't think of anyone who deserves that more than she does. She survived months of regular panic attacks she felt she couldn't share with anyone back when she was 18, she's been discriminated against and rose to professor in record time despite of it, she beat the crap out of an asshole who tried to abuse her, she went through very taxing and worrying pregnancies as well as a brain tumor scare in addition to the usual deaths and illnesses in the family, and she STILL bikes to work in winter. I think she's a little nuts, but that's ok coming from me, isn't it?? :P Just so you know beautiful, I'm hoping to be just like you when I finally decide not to ever grow up!!!
And so it goes…and this is what it feels like to be a noodle :·)
This was because we used to interpret the symbolism in some novel no end in high school English class, and sack the best grades for it too, even though we were bullshitting out of our ears the entire time. We knew what the teacher wanted to hear, we could see God or the Devil in each paragraph, hell we could have created our own personal witch hunt between the pages of a Roald Dahl story if we had set our minds to it I'm sure :D The universal truth is supposedly contained in Conrad's Heart of Darkness, but luckily, we never bothered to discover it, we just worked our way around it and back out of the book in record time, as usual (nice work H., we sure did rule back then, I love and miss you :P)
She reminded me the other day that I once said "mankind is just a noodle in God's stew". I must have been 15 or so and was probably going through the "If a tree falls in the forest and there's no one around to hear it fall, how do we know it makes a noise?" phase. But she remembered and carried my comment around with her across oceans and valleys for over 15 more years, and I can't help but smile a child's goofy smile every time I think back on the way we were.
I was aware then, much more capable than now to laugh at myself and my insignificance. Now when I do so it is strained and sarcastic and self-important, my cynicism back then was much more light-hearted (if it's possible to use those two words together… oh wait, I believe that is a classic oxymoron, thanks Mrs. M :P)
Anyways, the only point to this story is that I miss my high school a little, I miss having a few less things to worry about, I miss the straightforward simplicity of childhood friendships, I miss leaning on D. L. M.'s shoulder and feeling like I was on top of the world because he let me slide up close to him and I didn't know lines like "he's just not that into you" or terms like "unhappy endings" existed in reality yet. I still carried the kind of idealistic teenage hope that dreams of utopia and changing the world. And of true love and Cinderella's prince and more to the point the awesome white horse he rode (actually, I was more of a Winnetou's girl, but you catch my drift). Hell, we all did, if you didn't think anything was possible as a kid you'd never make it through puberty!
It wasn't all happy or fun, I already felt like a blubbering, misunderstood volcano back then and had trouble keeping a lid on it. I am now discovering I may have had ADD since childhood, just not the hyperactive kind, more the "I follow 84 separate but parallel trains of thought in my head at all times and sometimes it's a little burdening cause I don't know where to direct them all to since they run out of room but not steam and then it hurts my tiny brain" kind. I was loud and attention-seeking around people and quietly thoughtful on my own, much as I am now, and had my head in the clouds and my nose in a book all the time because that's where the dreams were, that's where the fantasies flew and my imagination was free and uninhibited. I'd lose myself in those worlds I created with the help of fanciful fiction and live in them whenever I was alone which I suppose was often. It didn't feel that way then, but it would explain my behavior now. On the one hand I am hyper-sensitive to other people's emotions and so self-observant that I dissociate incessantly, and on the other hand my mind completely disregards my surroundings because the outside stimuli are too much for it. Something like that. Have I mentioned that my typing is dyslexic since 4 or 5 antidepressants ago? My brain skips sometimes, and I can watch and feel it skipping and I can keep up with myself, but really, no one else knows where the hell I am and what I'm doing there, it gets a little lonely, which I believe I was in school as well if I'm totally honest about the "good old days".
My fabulous friend H. now has two absolutely stunning children and a wonderful husband, she's one of the hardest working research scientists and most dedicated mothers I'll ever know and I can't think of anyone who deserves that more than she does. She survived months of regular panic attacks she felt she couldn't share with anyone back when she was 18, she's been discriminated against and rose to professor in record time despite of it, she beat the crap out of an asshole who tried to abuse her, she went through very taxing and worrying pregnancies as well as a brain tumor scare in addition to the usual deaths and illnesses in the family, and she STILL bikes to work in winter. I think she's a little nuts, but that's ok coming from me, isn't it?? :P Just so you know beautiful, I'm hoping to be just like you when I finally decide not to ever grow up!!!
And so it goes…and this is what it feels like to be a noodle :·)
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