Taking It Back

Current mood: unamused

There are some things you can't undo, can't take back, can't apologize for to make it ok again. Once it's out there it's out, and saying you didn't mean it doesn't work.

Some people in your life should never be taken for granted, should ALWAYS be respected, even when you're mad at them because they've hurt you. I know it's hard to give someone with that kind of power the benefit of the doubt, especially if you're sensitive, if you bruise easily, if your story has brought you here against your will. But if you want to keep them, if you need them as your friend, if you love them, there has to be a line somewhere.

Everyone says things in anger, everyone disagrees, everyone has moods and feelings and opinions. I have a line though, and it's drawn when someone who 'loves me' says things so hurtful, so mean to the point of ugly that it makes me wish I hadn't met them so that they couldn't make me feel this way.

The psychologists will tell you no one can MAKE you feel any way if you don't let them. That's true to an extent, I mean it's just one person's judgment on you, but if that person means the world to you, if they are one of the few who see you as you are, who even like or love you as you are instead of a 'better' version of yourself, then that person's words can send you reeling over the edge of a cliff with no desire to look up, down, or sideways anymore.

Pain can be unbearable for some people. Some of us can't block off our emotions, on the contrary we're lost in the black hole of our emotional intelligence, analytical to a fault but incapable of handling our feelings to the degree of a seismic wave that would bust the Richter Scale. Something like that. I'm not sure that's a bad thing, I'd rather feel too much that too little, even though I'm lying as I write this. Tedium is certainly not the worst pain.

Some of you have the power to make me wish I was never born, to make me wish I wasn't pregnant, that life hadn't brought me here, that I was someone else entirely. And yes, I also manage to feel all those things without anyone's help, because that's who I am.

Please draw the line, draw the line where you would have it etched into our sandy brains, where you know it would be no matter how often the tide washes it away. Don't call me those things, don't say you hope I will be gone from your life, don't ignore me, don't say things to hurt me beyond repair. Be careful what you wish for. Never think before you speak except when you are angry. Filling someone's heart with the blackness reflected from yours at that moment spreads pain like the parasitic virus it is. That bottomless pit is not a peaceful place, it doesn't feel like free-falling and letting go, it feels like drowning.

The force of your hatred can kill me. Make it stop.