Letting Go

Current mood:  calm

I don't think it's about dying anymore... I think it's about letting go of myself and letting go of fear.

Whenever those images or ideas slide into my head, the ones where I let the car spin out of control over a cliff (on the drive to Lausanne) or collide into something solid and send me hurtling out the windshield (driving late in Berlin), they play out in slow motion, like in a film.... all sound goes silent, and I see and feel myself flying, limp, violent but utterly peaceful in the quietness and finality of breaking every bone in my body and just being done. There is an episode of Charmed in which people's bodies die with their dreams of falling off a building and shattering on the ground, it feels like that - like a dream in which you know it's going to hurt, but it doesn't because it's a dream.

I don't want to set myself on fire or drink a liter of liqid plumber. I don't want to die at any cost. But I do want to face my fears and just let go, just once... fly and be limp as a rag hurtling through the air, just like a sail that goes limp when the wind dies down, or a plastic bag blowing across the desert. Just float on the breeze and not be afraid of the pain, not be afraid of the fear, not be afraid of being a coward, not have to care anymore, just once. Please.

So yeah, it's about fear. The fact that I could let go of it for just one moment, I know I could. The consequences would be damaging, but I am so tempted to feel it might be worth it. It's like the ultimate challenge, to face your fear of death, fear of being alone, to just laugh in it's face and let go, to drift and finally FLY, but without control, like sinking into a cloud and being suspended weightlessly by it.

I didn't drive to my clinic interview today, I was too afraid of the consequences, I think it was the right choice. I will go when someone is able to come with me, someone I can lean on a little during the ride and on the way back home, even if it's just for a little while. And then maybe it will be almost like letting go for a bit, as if I were allowed, just for a few moments... sailing on the breeze.

She who flies highest sees farthest after all...... and I'm smiling right now at the daydream of it  :·)