Freakin' Quizzes

Current mood:  impressed

So this stupid thing has like 5 questions and is an EXACT description of me... that's just frrrreaky - these people should write horo(r)scopes for a living :·P

You Have a Choleric Temperament

You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things. Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life. You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation. You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon. Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall. You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others. At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults. Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion. A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.

What Temperament Are You?

Blogthings: Cheaper Than a Therapist

St. Nikolaus

Current mood:  blank

This is going to be a little more in the style of Jennifer's amazing blog entries... I'm just going to tell you about my day...

This morning I fell asleep around 7:30am as usual. I set the alarm for 14:00 because I was supposed to see a doctor at 15:30 and I don't always want to get out of bed. Ok, I never want to get out of bed again, but I wanted to go see the doctor and I already moved the appointment before, so today I went.

It was worth it because I got to see a charming street in town I didn't know existed. It's below the train station, I passed a little bit of red light district and thought "funny place for a psychiatrist, but then again, maybe this is the best place for business...", but then I turned a corner and there was this wonderful road with a comic books shop, my favorite international travel agency (STA Travel, for youths of ALL ages :P), a few antiques dealers, a few deco and art stores, a ski and snowboard shop, and a supermarket. A young man walked up to me and said hello and asked me my name and told me I was "tres jolie". I thanked him for being nice to me although I didn't understand why, I am pale and look hollow and my eyes don't sparkle anymore. But he was nice. A little unkempt and flaky, but I like men like that, unless it's at a formal wedding, then groomed to the nines is better. And it was nice to discover another corner of Lausanne, I love this town. It is so small and yet never boring and never bland, and the people leave you your anonymity if you wish it. And dog poop all over. You can tell you're not in the German part of the country here...o_0.

After the doctor, who didn't want to do much about my situation because I may be in the clinic come Monday, I went into one of the home deco shops with all these trinkets and lamps and toasters and teddy bears and holiday ornaments, and I saw a bistro chair and table that were adorable, and I was glad to see something I would like for my apartment, but I don't have much money right now, so I better wait.

When my ex left he took everything, even the lightbulbs. Like the Grinch, just more brown than green. So I can finally decorate the way I want, but due to an extended identity crisis I am not quite sure what that is. So I am looking at everything and trying to "feel" it in my apartment. So far I don't feel so much. And when I do it tends to be expensive. Hehe, that's me in a nutshell :D

You know his presence in this apartment still bothers me. I dislike my favorite breakfast mug now because I bought it and used it with a matching one for him here. And there are no thrift shops in this country, so I don't know where to donate it to. And I almost cannot stand IKEA (my true religion) anymore because of the hours I spent there trying to get everything just right to suit both our tastes and meet the budget, and I did, successfully, and now I want no more reminders of the time I spent here with him. I want to move forward and towards my personality, and not the average joe style of decorating we and all our friends had. I may not be the brightest crayon in the box, but I am certainly not average either. I saw a 60's style plastic diner table and chair a while ago. That would be cool. That would be more like me. I made a mistake buying a few pieces of furniture quickly so that I would have something to sit on and a shelf for my books, I bought what I was used to, and it's cute, but not what I really want long term anymore I think.

But it's ok, I didn't spend too much money because I couldn't anyways. I will take it slow. Not my style but I am supposed to change some things. Necessity is the mother of invention. We will see what I come up with. The bistro table and chair were bright pink and green by the way, there was even a matching lamp and toaster. If my kitchen weren't so huge that it requires a large table, it would be perfect. Oh... I could do something fabulous, I could get two or three different style bistro chairs and tables couldn't I?? Make a little cafe in my kitchen? It would certainly look wonderful, but it is too impractical. I need a large table for sorting mail and stacking boxes of breakfast cereal to look at.

In the deco shop I wanted to treat myself to a teddy bear, but everything in the store that wasn't furniture cost exactly 24 CHF and that creeped me out after a while, so I left because I was angry with my wish to spend money. I went to the Post Office and finally faxed my insurance policy to the clinic. I don't have a fax machine anymore even though I got one for Christmas a few years ago because the ex took it. So I paid 8 CHF to send two pages of fax. I also spent 50 CHF on a new prepaid SIM card which allows international calls to fixed and cell phones for 39 Rappen (0.39 CHF) a minute, which is cheaper than my normal provider. The SIM was 9 CHF and 50 CHF were for phone credit while I'm in the hostpital. I want to be able to call my friends in a crisis and not have to hang up after 10 minutes. I will have a phone in my room in the clinic. We each have our own rooms, the ones with private insurance have a balcony. I thought that was funny. Very Swiss :P

I remembered to ask for one of those stickers that say "No advertisements please" for my mailbox at the Post Office, but they said they don't have them, only supermarkets do. I remembered to walk the long way home and pass by the supermarket for some milk but I forgot to look for the sticker. I also went to the book store to find some more nice books to read before I fall asleep at the hospital but they were closing early for a conference. I was disappointed because I love the atmosphere in the book store, it's very soothing.

I went to Starbucks for a coffee and some cake to take home for later and a woman (I won't say lady) had her lapdog up ON a table licking crumbs off of it. I love dogs, I have two girl dogs, but I still don't want their butts and feet where I eat. I don't even want my feet and butt where I eat, and I know where mine have been o_0. But a strange dog's weiner where I place my muffin? No. (Oh my, I wasn't even trying to be crude, sorry, no pun intended) I asked the barista if it was policy to allow that, and as soon as I asked the entire line of French women started going off at how "formidable" it is to be so vulgar. "C'est pas prop!" They are so cute when they get all worked up and FRENCH, they wave their hands around and their voices go up and down like waves and dancing with words. I smiled to myself over the whole incident.

I learned some new French today from a screaming child, because he kept repeating himself so I had time to figure out what he was saying and what it meant. Apparently you can say "Gard!" instead of "Regard!" in slang, it means "Look!". I didn't know that. Kids are useful that way, they speak more clearly and simply, it's easier to copy them. So thanks!

After Starbucks I was in the market place for a bit, among all the Christmas crafts booths, and I realized it's Nikolaus today. The children and tourists were all surrounding St. Nikolaus and Ruprecht and the donkey, I took photos for a few of them and one on my cell phone for me since my digital camera broke a while ago. The married man who wanted me in the last clinic called me and asked me if I was ok. He said he had dreamt about me and also been worried and that I could call him anytime if I needed him. Well I said sure but I can't. He has a family and I don't want to pour coal on that fire. It was his choice to pursue me but I will not egg him on, and I don't think he ever really wanted me anyways, just an escape, like I do. I understand but I don't approve.

A friend called me later, she wants to see me in Zurich and then drive me to the clinic on Monday. I said I have to speak with my stupid family because they haven't told me whether they will take my dogs or not. I don't know why they cannot give straightforward answers, it makes me anxious because it's like they are always waiting for a better offer to come along. None of them will ever commit to a date or plan of action. I don't like people like that much. Say what you mean and mean what you say please, other people depend on you sometimes. And don't think I don't feel how I am second best to everyone else in your life. Melinda is bipolar, so she understands things. She's a pill like me, but she loves me and she loves to help people, so she's not that kind of a pill once you know her. But people don't take the time.

My bath tonight didn't get rid of my headache and neither did the pain killers, but that's not unusual. The desk I sit at is at the wrong height for typing because it doesn't have proper table legs yet. I have to get some but for that I have to drive to IKEA and it's far and I get discouraged when I think of how far it is. I shouldn't think so much but my head does not have an off button. Neither does my heart, only my stomache.

This is too long so I will stop now. I think Jennifer's blogs are much better to read, so I will go visit her page again now. And Karen's too, Karen is another good woman. I put her at the top of my friend's list along with the other girl-friends. Ho's before bro's.

I had olives with garlic in the middle and a beer today, so cheers to that!

I wish I were a kid again or had a nice family so that Nikolaus would visit me again and tell me if I have been good or bad. We used to put shoes out in front of the door overnight for that, but I am afraid to risk it because they might be empty in the morning and then I will be as hollow as I look inside. I wanted to touch all the pretty lights and internalize them and take them home with me but I couldn't. Maybe I will go find my christmas lights in the basement, I hid those from Ramon before he left, but they leave black soot marks on the walls and then I will feel bad. Fairy lights are so pretty though, so maybe it's worth the risk. It will have to be soon though, I don't think I will be allowed to have 20 meters of wire in the clinic. I want fairy lights around my heart please, forever, thank you.

Thank you for listening. I hope Nikolaus brought you tangerines.

On Narcissism

Narcissism is a real b*tch, there's no way around it.

The original myth tells of Narcissus, a young man who passed a pool of water in the forest one afternoon and caught a glimpse of his reflection in the depths. He fell in love with his reflection and ended up either starving to death or drowning, I can't remember.

The point it, he fell in love with his reflection, not himself, this distinction is important, and suffered the loss of his life for it. As far as I know he didn't even realize he was killing himself.

The modern Narcissist has been defined by medical authorities looking to describe a personality disorder which harms its owner in the same way our friend Narcissus harmed himself. The obsession with one's image, with what one seems to be, with appearances with recognition of one's self, towards one's self is truly disorderly because it causes all kinds of mental and spiritual chaos despite its superficial rigidity.

Narcissist personalities are demanding to the extreme. Of everyone, most of all themselves. No one can live up to their expectations, they merely tolerate themselves and others. At the same time, Narcissist often live through others, find a purpose in helping and supporting another life they deem worthwhile. The latter tends not to be their own, due to aforementioned impossibly high standards.

What do I mean? Well let me give you an example: a Narcissist will kill herself simply to prove to herself that she is not a coward. Simply to measure up to her own standards and expectations. I know this because I have done it. Premeditated cutting myself for reasons I shall explain elsewhere and then when it came time to follow through, and I realized it hurt and that I didn't truly wish to die or suffer but rather only to be rescued, I couldn't stop. It was a matter of personal pride. Even though no one else was there, even though I could have stopped the bleeding and nursed the cuts and hidden what I had done, the thought never even crossed my mind. Instead I only felt an entire gulf of disappointment with myself, my cowardice, my susceptibily to biting off more than I can chew, my humanity. And so I lectured myself inwardly, clenched my jaw, grabbed the blade firmly and made a large long fast gashing motion across my wrist to avoid pain and finally hit that vein and get it over with already. It worked and I lost enough blood to fall unconscious. I risked dying just to prove to myself that I was willing and able, to not be a coward in my own eyes.

This wasn't every time I've hurt myself, but I remember being amazed at myself that particular time. There was satisfaction in it, but also the rude intrusion of reality, my reality, the extent of my obsession with my own character flaws, how strongly I want to almost physically excise them out of myself, nearly killing myself in the process without even realizing it because I'm so busy staring at the details of my reflection.

I wish understanding this would bring about a change in my situation or behavior. However it is simply another observation of myself to add to the image, another reason to despise my weaknesses, thus revolving around myself once again, in every tighter circles, until I spin myself nauseous and suffer from it by my own hand once again.

But then that is the nature of a circle, and that is the nature of life. There is nothing truly new is there? It has all been done before and will be done again, the basic ingredients to what constitutes life can and will never change, otherwise, it would no longer be "life" as we know it, but a different creature entirely.

I do love words and language, there is a sense in them. The definition of life by our language is rational, gives me a reason for the circle. It is such because we have defined it as such and we have defined it as such because it is so. Nice and neat, just the way I like it. Distracts me from the thunderstorm of chaos that rages in my mind. For a while at least, until I stop concentrating, stop controlling, stop focusing on my reflection, and once I stop looking I lose all hold on life and spin out of control, and not in a good way either.

So you see, there is a purpose to the narcissist personality. It keeps us from going crazy ;P

It's going to be another long night chasing ghosts isn't it? God I hope some of them are friendly tonight.....

Katie

Letting Go

Current mood:  calm

I don't think it's about dying anymore... I think it's about letting go of myself and letting go of fear.

Whenever those images or ideas slide into my head, the ones where I let the car spin out of control over a cliff (on the drive to Lausanne) or collide into something solid and send me hurtling out the windshield (driving late in Berlin), they play out in slow motion, like in a film.... all sound goes silent, and I see and feel myself flying, limp, violent but utterly peaceful in the quietness and finality of breaking every bone in my body and just being done. There is an episode of Charmed in which people's bodies die with their dreams of falling off a building and shattering on the ground, it feels like that - like a dream in which you know it's going to hurt, but it doesn't because it's a dream.

I don't want to set myself on fire or drink a liter of liqid plumber. I don't want to die at any cost. But I do want to face my fears and just let go, just once... fly and be limp as a rag hurtling through the air, just like a sail that goes limp when the wind dies down, or a plastic bag blowing across the desert. Just float on the breeze and not be afraid of the pain, not be afraid of the fear, not be afraid of being a coward, not have to care anymore, just once. Please.

So yeah, it's about fear. The fact that I could let go of it for just one moment, I know I could. The consequences would be damaging, but I am so tempted to feel it might be worth it. It's like the ultimate challenge, to face your fear of death, fear of being alone, to just laugh in it's face and let go, to drift and finally FLY, but without control, like sinking into a cloud and being suspended weightlessly by it.

I didn't drive to my clinic interview today, I was too afraid of the consequences, I think it was the right choice. I will go when someone is able to come with me, someone I can lean on a little during the ride and on the way back home, even if it's just for a little while. And then maybe it will be almost like letting go for a bit, as if I were allowed, just for a few moments... sailing on the breeze.

She who flies highest sees farthest after all...... and I'm smiling right now at the daydream of it  :·)