Wild Child

Wild Geese, by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.


Poem discovered via Dry As Toast and Odessa, photo by Sedona Vista Fine Art Photography , enjoy!

In a Word

It's late and my head hurts right behind both eyes, as if I'd been squinting at the sun for too long, which would imply a nice day out, which in turn makes me sad because I would have loved loved loved a nice day out for a change. But I didn't enjoy the weather because I was trying to catch up on some sleep, hell I didn't enjoy the entire summer because I've been trying to catch up on sleep and housework and clearing the emotional wreckage from my teeny tiny bubble of a brain. Actually, I think it's more like emotional cobwebs, because it's disastrously messed up in there, but in a sticky, and not so much bulky sort of way. Though I would also describe it as heavy and cumbersome, so maybe like a moldy old box of papers and books you always said you were going to read (but never did and then they got wet when the basement flooded and now it's too late) covered in cobwebs and some rubber cement that spilled and is sticking it to the floor and the other boxes and also this box is wedged in under something else like a huge f*cking tank that plowed through the garage door and then contained an explosion inside itself but dropped some tank bits and pieces inside your garage and melted a little anyways. Something like that. Hmmm maybe I'm the tank.

Anyways, my head hurts because I'm trying to define how I feel right now, post-rejection. I've been rejected for the 23rd time or so now by the same person, but this time feels a bit closer to home, a bit more final, and just a bit... more like rejection I guess. But since there are so many different forms of rejection that we stick under the same hat, I'm trying to keep my dignity intact and my heart from breaking right out of my chest by focusing on how to define what rejection makes us feel, really. Which feeling is that 'rejected' feeling (how much do you wish there was a song that went 'you've lost that rejected feeling' right now, huh?? :P).

Mainly I'm reeling I guess, shell-shocked, so I suppose that's where the tank imagery popped in from, but I'm somewhat bored with those terms, even though they're apt. "But I'm an original," my ego is shouting. "But I'm unique," my education is haughtily reminding me. "But I thought I was special," my heart is quietly hiccuping to itself in that salty watered down sort of style hearts will have in these situations...

Given the flush of my cheeks and the hotheaded need to do something rash, anything to react and provoke really, I guess if I'm honest the only thing I'm really feeling at the core is humiliated. Embarrassed to be me right now, wanting to erase this puny little girl who was not able to make someone else love her back, who couldn't even get him to speak to her as if she was a proper person and not some sub-form of human that he has come to see her as (everyone, say a quick hello to self-pity, we're old old friends). I think being disregarded by another person must be the worst form of rejection, at least for our psyches (or just mine?), because if they're taking their anger out on you then at least that means you still have some influence over their emotions, so in a twisted way, they still care. A little. LOL (<- laughing at myself and the crap I spout sometimes).

Ok, so that argument makes no sense (abusive relationships e.g.), but when someone claims to love you and then walks away without stopping no matter what you say or ask or whisper, then their indifference marks them as the undefeated one. And I think what I feel now is defeated and that is making me angry and that's why I'm hurt. So I'm humiliated by the rejection and now that I've written this I'm humiliated by my own reaction and the pain that comes with self-awareness. How humiliating and how tiresome. Time to put a cork in it and catch up on that sleep.

<3

Here we go, around again...

So here we are... there's no tomorrow... the good times seem so far and few... and all I deserve is nothing but the blame... la di da da da.

Don't you hate it when people post song lyrics? Those stupid tunes and this stupid situation I'm in remind me of that Hanson brother's line: 'here we go, around again'. And as much as I appreciate the significance of circles, this is just stupid. We all land here at some point, don't we (Hence, the circle. Duh)? In a deja vu snapshot of our lives thinking 'I know I've been here before or done this just yesterday, I know I have!!'

Arguments are like that, and fugging feelings as well. I don't think I like feelings anymore. Which is actually an understatement in the sense that I haven't felt like liking my feelings in a long long long long long long LONG time. On the other hand, I don't feel much like fighting them either. Which in turn is another circle. Here I am feeling feelings about my feelings. Is anyone else confused yet?

I had my first yoga class ever yesterday, and the very nice and serene lady who ran it said at one point that we should let our.... hmmm and now for the life of me, as usual what with the meds, I can't remember what words she used except that it ended with "as they will". Her point was that the thoughts popping into our heads are uncontrollable anyways. Actually no, she meant the action of thoughts popping is uncontrollable, not the thoughts themselves. How many times have I used actually now? And which? I'm sensing another deja vu coming on, sigh. So anyways, since you can't do anything about your thoughts seeping in, don't sweat it. For some reason that was the first time I got what people mean when they tell you to let go of your thoughts or feelings or head or whatever and just be.

Meanwhile, I can't write like this, sitting in the front room that all the traffic (meaning a couple dogs and my baby and his daddy) is passing through, there's windows, and road  work, and I'm slouching. This lack of focus is probably just the meds messing with my poor little obliviated brain again, my concentration has been horrific for the past 24 hours and I really don't know what the farking hell I'm trying to say here anymore.

It was going to be about being here over and over again and how unbearable repetition can be and how it's almost rhythmic by now. The fights, the raised eyebrows, the annoyance in our tones, you name it. You know what I'm talking about and I'm sorry for that. Anyways, this is impossible, gonna go now and leave it for another time ... LOL, get it??? I've even blogged about this before... so here we are again... full circle.

p.s. don't ever image google worthless, you'll  regret it.
p.p.s. hurricanes go round and round too, wonder what that means??

:giggle: